i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
