Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
