omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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