Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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