ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
