I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
