My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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