omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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