you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
