the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
