Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
