Joe is yelling at the trees again.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
