Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
