I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Randomize
