I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
