I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
