hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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