Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
even my farts smell like vagina
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You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
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She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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