she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
