I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
