you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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