whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
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I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
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You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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