I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
