I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
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