I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
