So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
