Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
