remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
