just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
