Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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