Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I have tasted many bathrooms
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
