shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
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NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.