Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
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I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
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We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst