Why does Corona taste like a burp?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
