Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
