DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
