Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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