he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
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So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
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wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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