Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
