the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
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A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
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My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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