i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
