We won't sleep together?
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
