I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
