if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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