I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I need water and some morals
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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