I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
