apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
