Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
