So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i was born a porn star she said
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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