I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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