"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
