I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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