I'm really into asian looking animals
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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