I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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