Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
